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Portland as Fuck




MY FELLOW PORTLANDERS, the fluoride debate rages on all sides, and so you turn to the back page of the Mercury for some guidance. There's Matt Bors, DRONE-ing on about something, (THAT WAS A JOKE ABOUT UNMANNED DRONES BEING USED TO KILL PEOPLE AND MATT'S OPPOSITION TO SAID PRACTICE. ) There's a dinosaur caterwauling about some kind of dinosaur problem, that's of no help. Oh, what's this... Portland as Cussword? But Ian Karmel wouldn't have any insight into the fluoride debate that rages on all sides, would he? Actually, I grew up drinking fluoridated water, so I'll go ahead and put in my 45 cents (because I grew up drinking fluoridated water, I can afford far more than just two cents).


Ian, what are the benefits of having fluoride in your drinking water? My teeth are stronger than my friends' teeth who didn't grow up with fluoride. I don't like to flaunt that fact, because my weak-toothed friends are incredibly sensitive (like their anemic teeth) about the issue, so I'll keep this brief. My teeth are so strong they have actual biceps. Remember when Dolph Lundgren punched that pad in Rocky IV and the pad was like, "Oh gosh, you're strong"? My teeth punched that pad so hard that Dolph Lundgren had to accept a role as He-Man just to feel some semblance of masculinity again.


So do you get cavities? I do not get cavities. In fact, thanks to fluoride, my body's natural cavities have started closing. A crack team of doctors, whom I can afford (thanks fluoride!), work 'round the clock to make sure I still have a butt.


But Ian... what about the downsides of fluoride? Well, I guess there are inherent risks in being too good looking and having your genitals being whatever the optimal size is for your gender and genital goals.


No, Ian, what about the ethics of medicating an unwilling populace? Oh, so you're telling me I shouldn't drive around with my windows down, blaring "Push It" by Salt-N-Pepa, because a couple of SQUARES might have a problem with it? You're against Salt-N-Pepa? Why, because you're a racist? Probably. But hey—maybe you're right, maybe it is unethical to medicate the unwilling masses, I mean, no less than the International Chiropractors Association agrees with you. Chiropractors. The Orlando of medical professionals. Here's a number for you—0—that's the amount of children who had fluoride in their drinking water who grew up to become chiropractors.


Okay, that was a flawless argument, but what about the fact that most of Europe has rejected fluoridated water without seeing a spike in tooth decay? Fuck Europe. One-hundred percent of Nazi Germany was European.


I hadn't thought of that, but... well, what about that whole mind-control thing I keep hearing about? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAINITIATEHAHA HAHAHATERMINATION HAHA HAHAPROTOCOL HAHACODEWORDHA HAHAPEARLYHAHA HAWHITEHAHAHA, get a grip, you loon!

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