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Self-Hell

Analysis for People on the Go

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Do I Need a Spiritual Enema?

The Vatican's recent statement that it would neither confirm nor deny a report that Pope John Paul II has now carried out three exorcisms during his papacy has left many people wondering if they, too, need a good religious cleansing. Word is that the most recent exorcism involved a young woman who appeared to be possessed during the Pope's general audience. Our sources tell us that she was just getting up to pee. Either way, she's felt much better since, thank you. Want to know if you might benefit from an exorcism? Take this simple true/false quiz and find out. Good luck!

T F Sometimes I vomit Campbell's split pea soup.
T F I have seen, or am intending to see, Crossroads.
T F That's not an impression; I'm actually channeling Ed Sullivan.
T F I have three or more Hello Kitty accessories.
T F I'm not possessed, but I think an exorcism would be a good way to get attention.
T F If I could be anyone, I'd want to be that mother in Texas on trial for drowning her five children.
T F I made that Russian skater trip with my mind.
T F I have a natural predisposition for translating ancient texts (and/or math).
T F My favorite band is still Judas Priest.
T F Sometimes my head spins around.
T F I think it would be cool to be burned at the stake.
T F I like Kelly more than Kathy Lee.
T F I think I took this quiz in a past life.

Did you answer "true" to ten or more of the above? You may be an ideal candidate for an exorcism! It is very important that you visit an exorcism professional, even if your esthetician offers you a good rate. People who get exorcisms often also enjoy transcendental meditation, pilates, and mass. Be sure to wear a helmet.

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