Columns » Self-Hell


Analysis for People on the Go


Which Pet Cause Will Give My Life Meaning?

As we careen into the holiday season, it is not unusual for rich people to experience symptoms of depression as they realize that their existence is essentially meaningless, and that they are all doomed. But don't worry, rich people! There are plenty of causes to champion that will give your life purpose. Here are just a few. Simply check off the ones that interest you. Happy Holidays!

· Ensure the quality of cranberry sauce for holiday meals.

· Determine the effects of dieting on middle-aged women.

· Lobby for a later start to the school day.

· Manage selective breeding programs for guide dogs used by the visually impaired.

· Preserve manatees and sea turtles in Florida, rare rhinos in Zimbabwe, and wandering albatrosses in the Southern Ocean around Antarctica.

· Determine the identity of Jack the Ripper.

· Teach penguins to fly.

· Manufacture prosthetic legs for children.

· Evaluate hormone profiles of endangered wildlife species.

· Preserve Australia's Great Barrier Reef.

· Research possible cures for childhood leukemia.

· Develop a lightweight glove that offers protection from office paper cuts.

· Match organ donors with their most compatible recipients.

· Address the "quality of water" issue on airplanes.

· Establish a colony on Mars.

· Test the effectiveness of automobile air bags.

· Optimize the Olympic training program for a world-class swimmer.

· Develop a breed of featherless turkeys.

· Other.

Did you check off the causes that interest you? Great! Now just form a non-profit, get some venture capital together, hire a staff, and you're ready to go! People with a pet cause to champion have healthier hair, a more positive outlook, and score better on standardized tests than people without pet causes. They also tend to marry pop stars.


Comments are closed.

Quantcast Quantcast