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Self-Hell

Analysis for People on the Go

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What New Year's Resolutions Are Right for Me?

Well, it's that time of year again! Time to start writing out New Year's resolutions! Having trouble? We thought you might be! That's why we've put together a list of resolutions for you to choose from. Simply circle the number in front of the most appealing resolutions, and then read below to find out what your choices say about you!

1. Lose 15 lbs.

2. Break up with (insert name here) and start dating the cute waiter from (insert name here).

3. Pay off my Banana Republic card.

4. Pay off my Restoration Hardware card.

5. Pay off my Nordstrom card.

6. Give money to Save the Children.

7. Kick heroin.

8. Stop being mean to people at work (even if I don't like them).

9. Write a screenplay loosely based on the dim-witted people I work with.

10. Read Middlemarch.

11. Watch seasons 1 - 4 of The Sopranos.

12. Stop writing whiney letters to the Portland Mercury.

13. Get pregnant.

14. Avoid getting pregnant.

15. Take up yoga.

16. Stop smoking.

17. Learn Serbo-Croatian.

18. Fly first class.

19. Patent "organic balloon" idea.

20. Go on a fact-checking mission to Iraq.

21. Begin judging people by the purity of their hearts, rather than the length of their hair.

22. Fill out and abide by all personality quizzes from this point forward.

Now add up the numbers in front of the resolutions you chose and divide the total by 1.5. If you scored between negative one and 25, sorry, but you don't have a CHANCE at succeeding at your resolutions. If you scored 26-100, you will probably get pregnant or impregnate someone within the next four months. If you scored above 100, and you work really really hard at your resolutions all year, all your dreams will come true.

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