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As presented by U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell to the U.N. Security Council, Data compiled by the Mercury U.N. Sex Inspectors

Ladies, gentlemen, honored heads of state, members of the U.N. Security Council. I, Colin Powell, have been asked by the President and citizens of the United States to speak on a subject which is crucial to the future of all our nations--the private sexual lives of the citizens of Portland, Oregon.

Though they repeatedly deny it, the U.S. government is convinced that Portlanders have dirtier thoughts and kinkier sex than any other city in the country and perhaps... the world. However, we believe that Portlanders have weaved an intricate tapestry of lies, craftily hiding the fact that they engage regularly in such sexual activities such as handjobs, blowjobs, nipple tweaking, cooter licking, pee-pee touching, and general butt buggery.

This is why we commissioned the Portland Mercury newspaper to act as U.N. Sex Inspectors, assigning them to thoroughly probe the mucousy minds of the city, and find out exactly how dirty these Portlanders are.

Using what's called a "Sex Survey," the Mercury inspectors have emerged with what we think is absolute proof that Portland is hiding a myriad of icky sexual activity! Of course, there are countries (like France and Germany) who would like the inspectors to continue their work and look even deeper into these people's sexual shenanigans--preferably using videotape. However, as you will see from today's presentation, we not only have overwhelming proof that Portlanders are indeed having sex, but intend on having "sex" again in the very near future (possibly with YOU)!


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