Last month, we asked Portlanders a series of personal questions of a highly sexual nature. We then took their answers, fed them into a highly complicated device called a compooter and, as a result, can now accurately predict down to .0001 percentage point how many times the person sitting next to you at work masturbates, watches porn, or places foreign objects in their bottom. And while you may not have specifically asked for this information, the person sitting next to you at work did, and you know how we hate to disappoint. So lean back, learn, and enjoy.
WHO YOU ARE
This year, just over 500 bored, horny souls took the time to fill out the Mercury Sex Survey. Who are these diddling perverts? LET'S FIND OUT! (By the by, all percentages have been rounded off, so if the stats don't add up to 100%, that means people checked more than one answer or none at all. In other words, don't write in to correct us or we'll laugh at you and call you a nerd.)
51% of our respondents were male
75% scream "I AM STRAIGHT!"
14% yelp "I AM BISEXUAL!"
5% proclaim "I AM GAY!" 3% coo "I AM LESBIAN!"
Average Age: 27
HOW THINGS ARE GOING (RELATIONSHIP-WISE)
Woe is me, I am single and miserable. = 17%
Whoopee for me, I am single and content. = 30%
Ooh, la, la! I'm going steady. = 24%
Whoopee for me, I am partnered/married and content. = 21%
Woe is me, I am partnered/married and miserable. = 6%
WHO'S HAVING THE SEX?
Sure, we know that having sex isn't a competition...but it really is, isn't it? Check out who's getting it (at least 2-3 times per week) and who ain't!
Straight Male: 8%
Straight Female: 7%
Bi Female: 3%
Bi Male: 1%
Gay Male: 1%
YOUR SEX LIFE AND YOU
Now that we know a little more about you, let's dive right in with the dirty stuff. But first! We can't have a healthy conversation about S-E-X without agreeing upon a definition of what S-E-X entails! Here's what you concluded:
Should anal/vaginal intercourse be included? 94% say aye!
Oral sex? 71% say yes!
Handjobs? 50% respond in the positive!
Rim jobs? 34% say, "Mmm... okay!"
Dry humping? 24% say, "Okey-dokey, doggie-daddy!"
Phone or Internet sex? 16% say, "Ohhh... sure... fine... whatever."
Since Portland is something of a democracy, the majority (50% and over) have decided that FROM NOW ON, only anal/vaginal intercourse, oral sex and handjobs count as sex. So if you accidentally bump up against somebody on the MAX? You did NOT have sex. If your tongue accidentally or on purpose falls into an anus? You did NOT have sex. That's right, teenagers! With only 34% of Portlanders agreeing that "rimming" is an actual sex act, that must mean it's A-OK to lick as many bungies as you want! Have a blast!
In our continuing battle to stop exaggerating about how many people we've had sex with, you helped out by supplying the following stats.
I've Had Sex with This Many People:
Zero, zilch, nada = 3%
1-5 = 29%
6-10 = 19%
11-15 = 12%
16-20 = 10%
21-25 = 4%
26-30 = 4%
31-45 = 7%
46-60 = 2 %
61-90 = 3%
I am Benicio del Toro = 5%
After crunching these numbers, the Mercury Institute of Advanced Sexuality has determined that having between 1-15 sexual experiences should be considered "normal," and anything over 15 means the participant was including "rim jobs"--which as we now know, do not count. If you've included rimming as part of your sexual experiences, please readjust your tally. And for the 5% who claim to be Benicio del Toro: No, we will not sleep with you.
Oh, and by the way, the majority of you (22%) have sex two-three times per week. But not including rim jobs, right? Right.
THE MASTURBATORY ARTS
Though this came as news to us, Portland's got a lot of masturbating going on. The following chart clearly shows the masturbatory habits of the region's male and female population.
MEN: Less than 1%
Masturbate once in awhile
Once or twice a week
Three to five times a week
Cant answer, too
Percentage of gay men who watch gay porn=4%
Percentage of straight men who watch gay porn=5%
"Fantasy" is an important part of masturbation, agreed? Agreed. But when asked
who they commonly fantasized about while "diddling the fiddle," 20% of our respondents
think about co-workers, 32% consider models or celebs, 45% picture
their friends, 51% imagine their former lovers, 53% say their
favorite crushes come to mind, and a whopping 58% actually admit to fantasizing
about their current partner. So our question is: ARE YOU FREAKING CRAZY?
You get ten minutes alone to rock the box, and you're thinking about your boyfriend?
Look, we know this survey isn't supposed to be judgmental, but that's fucked
in the head. Love is great and all, but sheesh! Get it together!
THANKS FOR SHARING
37% of respondents say their current partner knows how many times per week they masturbate! Eww!
Half the fun of having illicit sex (including masturbation) is the possibility of getting caught, non? Well, "getting caught" may be fun in theory, but if you're incapable of locking a door, then at least know who has the greatest possibility of walking in on you while you're doing your dirty, dirty deeds!
Partner/spouse = 31%
Parent = 29%
Friend/Acquaintance = 27%
Sibling = 15%
Stranger = 8%
Toddler = 6%
Police officer = 5%
Co-Worker/Boss = 3%
The results are clear: If you're going to screw around or masturbate, it's statistically safest to do it at work!
Speaking of getting a little on the side, you'll be happy to note that 66% of Mercury readers did not cheat on their partners in 2001. HOWEVER. That's not to say that some of you didn't slip once (11%)... or maybe twice (6%)... or maybe too many times to count (7%). Interestingly though, it's the ladies who are more inclined to be the once-a-year cheaters, with a score of 6% to the men's 5%.
And you wanna hear something gross? While 56% of those polled would rather eat a vomit sandwich than ever have a sexual fantasy about a family member, 19% admitted to having naughty thoughts about a kissin' cousin, and 6% have considered sex with their sister (though no one polled thinks Grandpa is sexy. Not even Grandma).
Despite Portland's abundance of smelly hippies, many of you who responded like to keep things neat and clean "down there." 60% thoughtfully trim "President Bush," and when asked if you sneak off to the can to freshen up the "hoo-hoo" prior to engaging in foreplay, 60% of you answer in the affirmative. As for the rest, you know it's not going to fall off if you show it the occasional bar of soap.
And now, here are the results of what our scientific staff considers to be the most important question in our survey...
What Are the Most Popular Objects to Shove in One's Anus and/or Vagina?
Vibrator/Dildo = 49%
Vegetable = 17%
Bottle = 15%
Kitchen utensil = 14%
Candle = 14%
Pencil/Magic Marker = 13%
Fruit = 10%
A fist = 9%
Broom handle = 7%
Electric toothbrush = 3%
Lollipop = 3%
Curling Iron = 2%
G.I. Joe = 2%
[Important Notice! While the Mercury staff rarely shows any concern over what we shove in our anus and/or vagina, we feel it our public duty to warn readers that they should never put anything in their anus and/or vagina that they wouldn't put in their mouth. Oh, and make sure to unplug the curling iron.]
SEX AND COMMERCE
Thanks to the crappy economy, many of us have been lowered to making our own porn from scratch. However, in the fiscally extravagant days of 2001, we were still buying dirty stuff like crazy. Here are some things you purchased last year:
Vibrator = 24%, Dildo = 16%, Cucumber = 12%, Handcuffs = 10%, Cock ring = 9%, Strap-on = 5%, Butt plug = 5%, Nipple clamps = 4%, Harness = 3%, Riding crop = 3%, Ball gag = 2%, Anal beads = 2%, Vibrating panties with remote control = 1.50%.
As always, watching porn is our national pastime. In 2001, 73% of you preferred straight porn, 46% went for lesbian porn, 24% drooled for gay porn, 35% got their mixed-race porn on, 33% couldn't make up their minds and rented bisexual porn, 9% of you got really freaky with fat person and midget porn, and 5% of you admitted you like "geriatric porn." Ah-ha! That was a trick question! There's no such thing as "geriatric porn!" You know, it's people like you who ruin science for the rest of us.
FAST AND DIRTY FACES?
• Looking for employment possibilities? According to our readers who spend money in the sex industry, female strippers get the most business, followed by male strippers, "massage" therapists (jack shacks), and the dominatrix. Hookers are pulling up the rear (literally!) at less than 2%.
• In Portland's opinion, if you are sleeping with three-four different people within a six-week period, "you are a 'ho!"
• If the world was ending tomorrow, 49% of our readers would still sleep with their current partners. 43% would sleep with someone else.
• Even in this technological age, it's nice to know that when given a choice, ladies prefer the tongue first (28%), finger second (13%), and the vibrator last (7%).
• Having a body-image crisis? Dig this! When asked, "what's the sexiest?" 14% prefer the chest, 21% like the ass, 24% consider the mouth to be sexy, and a whopping 37% think that eyes eyes are the sexiest of all.
THE STRAP-ON DILEMMA
In 2001, the Mercury Institute noticed an alarming dip in straight ladies who buy strap-ons to use on their fellers (less than 1%!). Take it from us, many men who would never admit to wanting their gal to use a strap-on ACTUALLY REALLY WANT THEIR GAL TO USE A STRAP-ON. So ladies, its up to you. Perhaps over lunch, subtly broach the subject. If they recoil, AND THEY WILL, say, Okay, no biggie. Just think about it for a few days. Now that the seed is planted (so to speak), poke around on the internet (we suggest toysinbabeland.com), and window shop for a small, thin dildo and strap-on accessories. If in a few days, boyfriend still blanches at the subject, drop it forever. Most of them wont, however, and thats when you hit em with your research. Tell them again and again how the dildo will be small and thin, youll use a lot of lube, and he isnt gay. Take it extremely slow the first time, and before long your b.f. will be begging you to ride him like a cowboy. Yippee-ki-yi-YAY!
SEXUAL KNOWLEDGE: AM YOU SMART, OR AM YOU DUMB?
What's the most important sexual organ? THE BRAIN. And so we were extremely curious to gauge the sexual knowledge of our readership. We asked the following multiple-choice questions, and the results--we think--will arouse you.
What is "frottage"?
Using a whip to arouse sexual passion in a partner = 23%
Rubbing one's body against someone else for sexual arousal = 61%--Correct answer!
Watching people have sex in parked cars = 1%
The French word for "cheese" = 6%
Which of the following is not a recognized method of sexual arousal?
Hammering a nail through the penis or breast = 15%
Inserting a catheter through the urethra and into the bladder = 12%
Becoming aroused by licking someone's eyeball = 10%
Watching a performance of the Vagina Monologues = 59%--Correct answer!
What is "queening"?
Female using a man's head as a throne = 40%--Correct answer!
A male sitting on another male's penis = 27%
Wearing lacy undergarments = 5%
Hanging around in front of Darcelle XV expecting to be noticed = 16%--Appropriate... but incorrect.
? What sex toy is known as the "Cadillac of Vibrators"?
The Washing Machine = 22%
Gourmet Squirmy Power Pleaser = 7%
Fukuoku Power Pack = 12%
Hitachi Magic Wand = 46% --Correct answer! (Remember that name at X-mas, fellers!)
THE BEST PLACES IN PORTLAND TO HAVE SEX
(As submitted by the expertsYOU!)
24 Hour Fitness
Eastmoreland Golf Course
Booth #15, MLK Taboo Video
Dock at Cathedral Park
Elevator in Huber Building
Couch Park bathroom
Fox Tower 10 theater
Hiphop section in Ozone
Inner City Hot Tubs
Lincoln Memorial Cemetery
Red Light Clothing photo booth
Pool tables at the Vern
Parking lot of the Christian TV studio
Pittock Mansion lawn
the Steel Bridge
FILL IN THE BLANK
Think Portlanders are sticks-in-the-mud when it comes to sex? Au contraire, mon frère! Get a load of the myriad of perversions our readers have been doing and thinking of doing!
What's the Sexiest Thing Someone Did to You in 2001?
Received a rim job/ Was eaten out by a guy who expected nothing more/ Fucked in the bathroom of downtown Borders/ He squeezed my nipples till I cried/ Fingered on a busy street while others watched/ He left his wife for me/ Had sex while mom was in the next room/ Gagged with my own underwear/ A whiskey-induced three-way/ Got me off in an alley near Coffee Time/ Worked a sex club glory hole for three hours/ Dressed like a little girl, and was "de-virginized"/ Man rubbed his cock on my leg on MAX during rush hour/ Seduced by brother-sister team/ Frottage with classmate's cha-cha's/ Met a guy off the internet naked at my door, he gave me head then and there/ Friend watching me and her boyfriend making out/ Fucked me while I was dressed like Batman.
My Hottest Fantasy Is...
Having a girl sort of take charge/ Being a slut for a group of men at a sex club/ Mom and twin daughters/ Jacking off a boy while watching fag porn/ Sex with a basketball team/ Orgy at a strip joint/ Coke + Speed + X + staff of Hot Topic/ Screwing step-sister/ Husband's best friend/ With co-worker in office closet/ Being a pro-stripper/ Getting fucked by an entourage of bike messengers/ A horny Great Dane/ Doing boyfriend up the ass/ Benicio del Toro/ Blasted by water from a fire hose/ Straddling former professor/ Sex in the rain at Rose Test Garden/ Motorcycle cops/ Act like a kitten while husband fucks me/ The dressing room at Sak's/ Gangbang with hot teenage boys/ Cross-dressing and being humped by a strap-on/ Three-way with Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake.
THE WINNERS OF THE "MOST FUCKABLE PERSON IN PORTLAND" CONTEST
Mr. Gay Pride 2001
Geoff at the Rialto
Jumbo from Lifesavas
Jay from 31knots
Miss America from Gresham
Carrie Brownstein of Sleater-Kinney
Daria ONeil from KNRK
Jennifer Folker of Dahlia
Anyone at Stumptown Coffee
of Republicans stick foreign objects in their bottoms.