Feature » Bikes

The Bicyclists of Tomorrow—Today!

A Look at Who Drivers Will Be Cursing in 2032

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TRUST ME, if Portland gets off its ass and continues to push biking through the next decade, we'll end up looking more like downtown Singapore and less like Hillbilly Pickup Truck, South Carolina. And as always, children shall lead the way! By the year 2032, the four-year-old bikers of Portland will be the 23-year-olds running stop signs, riding fixies without helmets (while wearing tight white capri pants), and bashing your passenger side mirror with their bike locks. Or maybe they'll be cool, responsible riders. WHO KNOWS? Why... we know, because we've peeked inside our crystal ball to see what four average Portland bicycling preschoolers are going to be like in the year 2032! (SPOILER ALERT: Don't get your hopes up.)

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Super biker "Camper" may currently look like Stan Lee threw up his dinner, but in 19 years? He's going to be dressed entirely in spandex with calves the size of honey-baked hams, speeding down the Springwater Corridor with a pack of similarly dressed bros, and screaming "ON YOUR LEFT!!!" at elderly bird watchers. (On the plus side, you'll feel sorry and inspired by him, because he's an amputee.)

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I'm sorry, but "Veronica's" fairy getup is ADORABLE. Too bad that by the year 2032, she'll no longer be co-opting fairy culture and will have moved on to adopting the dress and customs of Zimbabwe's Ndebele tribe—complete with gauged ears and copper rings wrapped tightly around her neck. As she bikes by your car (helmet-less) her lengthy dreaded locks will flow freely in the wind, leaving a trail of tiny bugs and filth that you can follow back to her communal housing unit in Southeast Portland. (You can't miss it—it's the one with the driftwood fence and 19-year-old "Vote NO on Fluoridation Chemicals" yard sign.)

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Meet "Julian"! In 19 years he will be dressed exactly the same. Like, exactly the same. The only difference is he'll trade in his plastic sword for an actual jousting lance, which he will douse in gasoline, set aflame, and literally impale other bicycle knights underneath the ruins of the I-5/I-84 interchange. (Oh. Did I happen to mention that the great quake of 2018 will transform three-quarters of Portland into piles of rubble? After the mass exodus, Portland will switch to a "Thunderdome" system of government, where fights to the death will replace traffic court. Better start practicing now, kiddies!)

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Yeehaw! Li'l "Ava" is the prettiest little cowpoke on the range. However, by the time she's 23 she'll have traded in her trike for a horse—because haven't you heard? Bikes are, like, SO UNCOOL in 2032 and if the newly elected Mayor McAwesome doesn't push for downtown horse lanes (in addition to bike lanes, Segway lanes, Rascal lanes, and anti-grav skateboard lanes) then she is like totally going to move to America's next "hippest" town in the country: Clevelandia, Ohio. (As declared by 97-year-old Carrie Brownstein.)

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