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The Most Okay Celebrity Scandals of 2003

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By Ann Romano

You know, it makes us madder than a poodle in a pigpen that A-list celebs are constantly stealing the gossip spotlight. Sure, the glacial deterioration of J.LO and B.AFF's relationship makes good copy. Yes, the Madonna/Britney lip-lock appealed to the fantasies of 14-year-olds and masturbating grandpas. And okay, Michael Jackson likes to get kids drunk and play a spirited game of "Rubba Rubba"--ALLEGEDLY!! However, there were plenty of other embarrassments in the year 2003 that didn't make the top 10, but did make the "middle 11"Éfrom #38 to #28. Such asÉ

#38. Matthew Broderick steps in dog poop: In early February, the Globe tabloid shocked the nation with authentic pictures of Ferris Bueller star Matthew Broderick stepping in dog shit. After attempting to wipe it on a tree, Broderick eventually ends up tracking it all over wife Sarah Jessica Parker's favorite rug.

#37. Child rapist Roman Polanski gets standing ovation after receiving "Best Director" Oscar: Meanwhile, director Michael Moore gets booed offstage for his speech opposing Bush's war in Iraq. And that's bullshit.

#36. Pvt. Jessica Lynch poses for nude photos: Porn impresario Larry Flynt claims to possess pix of rescued POW "hero" Jessica Lynch cavorting nude with fellow G.I.s. HmmmÉ for some reason, this wasn't mentioned in the TV moviesÉ

#35. Rush Limbaugh admits being addicted to Oxycontin painkillers: Oh, so that's why he made all those racist, homophobic remarks.

#34. Courtney Love calls drug charges "retarded": After being accused of going on a drug binge and busting out the windows of her boyfriend's apartment, Courtney tells the press, "This one's just retarded. I didn't even shoplift."

#33. Actor Richard Chamberlain admits he's gay: Causing an untold number of Americans to ask, "Who's Richard Chamberlain?"

#32. Justin Timberlake shares post-vomit kiss with Britney: After January's American Music Awards, Britney was spotted at the posh Joseph's Café in Hollywood, retching her guts out in the toilet. According to the source, "she then left the bathroom, where Justin was waiting outside. They were holding hands and kissing." EWWWW!

#31. American Idol star almost kills child with Jet ski: During a weekend lake outing, American almost-Idol Justin Guarini lost control of his jet ski, nearly running over a five-year-old. Guarini was fined $145 and sentenced to a failed singing career.

#30. Britney allegedly snorts coke off toilet tank: Another terrifying toilet incident starring Britney Spears. According to The Star, it all went down in Miami's trendy Crobar Club. Says the source, "Once in, this guy cleans off the toilet top with a tissue and takes out some cocaine." EWWW! He goes on to describe Britney bending over the booger sugar, afterwards asking a pal to check her adorable button nose for any residual blow.

#29. Nancy-boy David Gest accuses Liza Minnelli of beating the crap out of him: According to Gest, Liza guzzled a bottle of vodka, threw a hotel lamp at her hubby's head and began "beating (him) about the head and face with her fists." While we are staunchly against domestic violenceÉ Go, Liza, GO!

#28. Arnold Schwarzenegger accused of seducing women with lure of "analingus.": A female crewmember on the set of Terminator 2: Judgement Day alleges that Arnie pulled her into his lap and whispered, "Have you ever had a man slide his tongue into your anus?" All together nowÉ EWWWWW!

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