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THE NEW HOMEOWNER

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Chameleon Phone

Nothing says electroclash like the sweet sounds of Boy George. When this chic and adorable phone starts blowing up with a call, the chameleon opens his eyes, sits up, and belts out Culture Club's 1983 chart-topper "Karma Chameleon," while the ladybird plays a mouth harp! When the lizard gets to the line that goes "red, gold, and green"--omigod--his little chest turns those colors!

Chameleon Phone, $110.99 includes shipping!, available at Gadgets.co.uk (This item is HOT so order ASAP to get in time for Christmas!)

Everybody knows somebody who just bought a new house, and even though we're jealous, we still have to buy them a Christmas present. Jesus, isn't a house enough?

Magic Clean Bidet

The future IS Bidets, and the Magic Clean Bidet from Knovelty is a damn good one. With Automatic massage cleansing, an adjustable nozzle and a warm-air dryer, the Magic Clean Bidet washes soiled butts without chafing them. Don't let your homeowning friends use toilet paper this holiday season. Help them keep clean, fresh, and hemorrhoid free with Magic Clean Bidet!

Magic Clean Bidets, $499 (With dryer),

www.knovelty.com

Phil Busse

Sure it sounds weird to give someone a person, but who doesn't know a homeowner who needs a little help around the house? Phil's skills range from skylight installation, to Thai cooking, to bad pun-making, heavy lifting, re-grouting, pedicuring, plumbing, repairman haggling, personal training, dog walking, thoughtful pontificating, espresso preparation, plus a whole lot more.

Phil Busse, $100-250 per hour sliding scale, available at 294-0840 ex. 21

Two turntables and a mixer

After a person (or couple) buys a new house, they have a few harsh realities to face. A) Every extra dollar must go into new insulation, roofing, groundcover, stairs, pipes, wires, appliances, etc., and B) Kid life is over, you are now an adult. While jealous friends may relish in this discovery, the unstoppable power of the turntables + mixer will lure them over to your house any night for an amateur DJ party, and they might even bring beer.

Turntables & Mixer, $170-1700 for both,

Platinum Records, 104 SW 2nd, 222-9166

"Bioterrorism and World Epidemic" Poster

Every time someone moves into a new house, they grow flush with the excitement of making new promises. They swear to keep and care for every new home with exponentially increased diligence. It never really works. Still, you can give them a shove by getting them the "Bioterrorism and World Epidemic: Yesterday's, Today's, and Tomorrow's Potential Threats" poster for their new bathroom wall. While they're brushing their teeth, they can read up on Anthrax, Botulism, toxic molds, Mad Cow, Salmonella, and even "Nuclear Explosion!" (Post-gifting visiting tip: Come out of the bathroom looking ashen and announce that you've just come down with a bad case of "Nuclear Explosion." HA HA! They'll love it!)

Bioterrorism poster, $16, available through Science Mall--USA, 1-800-720-5451

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