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Things to Do if You're a Princess

Molly Ringwald as "Claire" Recommends...

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Ughh. Being stuck in the library is, like, the worst thing I could be doing right now. Why? Because on Monday, everyone will show up to school with new outfits they bought over the weekend! And instead of preparing for Monday or getting a jumpstart on crimping my hair, I'm stuck HERE, with you LOSERS. Omigod. There are so many other places I'd rather be!

DAY SPAS

Applying lipstick with just your tits is a challenging exercise that requires hours of careful practice. And that means serious chafing of the breast region can ensue. To keep her little bonbons--and the rest of her skin, presumably--soft and shiny during that seminal Breakfast Club shoot, Molly Ringwald must have frequented day spas. Day spas use an arsenal of massage therapy, facials, pedicures, manicures, haircare, and sometimes even stone and mud treatments (don't ask) to make your body and skin feel great. And who knew? Portland's packed with 'em! Von Natur is a vegan spa offering aromatherapy, skincare, massages, seaweed wraps, and more, all without weighing on your conscience. The Barefoot Sage is a great place for beginners who aren't ready for the full package, featuring nothing but podiatry-related baths and rubs. And for the hardcores, Venus Envy is an all-natural hippie shindig with acupuncture and other Oriental medicine techniques in addition to the normal stuff. Or consult the phonebook and find a zillion more! JWS

Von Natur, 137 SE 28th, 252-9639; The Barefoot Sage, 1844 SE Hawthorne, 239-7116; Venus Envy, 4927 NE 30th, 281-0681.

MAKE YOUR OWN CLOTHES

There is nothing--nothing worse than showing up at a party, perfectly turned out in your new favorite outfit that you had to beg, borrow, and steal to buy, and spying some bitch in the keg line wearing the exact same thing. Oh well, at least you have nicer tits... but still. Prevent this kind of embarrassment by customizing your wardrobe. Not only can everything you wear literally be plucked from your dream closet, but it's cheaper and everything will fit you like a glove. And where might you go to do this? To the Fashion Incubator! This local design hub offers classes to professional designers as well as beginners, so you're sure to find something that suits you. If you're really green, start with a basic sewing class, where you learn to operate a sewing machine, deal with patterns, and other essentials. Move on to fun stuff like fashion sketching (makes great wall art in your bathroom as well), pattern making, and--hello!--Victorian corsetry! MS

PDX Fashion Incubator, 23 NW 5th Ave, 241-4004, hit www.pdxfashionincubator.org for more info & class schedules.

GET PRETTY--FOR FREE!

One of my most fabulous girlfriends is a professional makeup artist, who works at glamorous fashion shows and shoots for TV and music videos. And you know where she got her start? She learned how to do makeup by having a woman at the M.A.C. counter in the mall do one side of her face, then she tried to match the other side herself. Seriously, department stores are a treasure trove of cosmetic wisdom. Go in when it's slow, like on a Sunday night, and the makeup-happy girls behind the counter will be stoked to do your face, 'cuz they're friggin' bored. They'll also be more likely to have fun with it and go slow (again, to stave off boredom). Take advantage of their wisdom and experience by paying attention to their technique and asking a lot of questions. Sure, they might try to sell you some products (and you might want to buy some anyway), but there's no obligation. And, gloriously, your little makeover/lesson in makeup artistry is free! Although if you don't tip them, you're kind of a jerk. And teaching them to apply lipstick with your cleavage does not count as a tip. MS

Hooray for the makeup counters at Nordstrom: 701 SW Broadway & 1001 Lloyd Center

COLONICS

At first I was embarrassed about what happened at my first colonic, but then I remembered I'm a big blabbermouth who has no modesty. So here goes. When I got my colonic I was packed to the brim with shit. According to my colon therapist, I "filled up a whole tank," whatever that means. Regardless, she was freaking amazed, and said I was "a special case." My point: If you're a meat eater, drinker, smoker, drug doer, or if you're one of those hyperactive detoxifying, fasting, food combining types, this is the procedure for you. All of the crap that's been building up in your intestines for years is flushed out via a tiny water hose shoved up your butt. The water squirts into your intestines, then is sucked back out via another small tube while you lay on your side and the colon therapist massages your stomach to loosen up the toxins. People get all heebed out about colonics, but I recommend them completely. The sensation of being completely empty is freeing, and it's nice to know you finally crapped out that steak you ate in 1992. And boys, this means you, too. Having a tube in your ass doesn't mean you're gay. KS

Get cleaned out by these colon therapists: Linda Hallmark, 706-7762; Wendy Jones, 493-9656; Paddy Lazar or Jill Simons, 230-0812.

BIKINI WAXING

You are a freak if you don't wax your bush. Men will run screaming when they see your untamed crotch afro. Women in the gym locker room will laugh. Go get it taken care of already--it only hurts for a second. I recommend the Brazilian or the French, because they rip all the hairs out of your ass crack... and who wants hair in their ass? KS

Heidi Schroeder, 888-1138; Melanie, 313-4810; Jane Cowan at Purusha, Discounts for students and musicians, 2637 NE MLK, 282-2155; Nicole Cook at Venus Envy, 4927 NE 30th, 281-0681; Melanie at Miramare, 1012 SW King, 229-8066

MICRO-DERMABRASION

Tired of sloughing the acne off your face with your uncle's belt sander? Want to transform from old lady to teenager in under an hour? Micro-dermabrasion uses a handheld vacuum-type instrument to exfoliate and whisk away layers of dead skin, and smooth out fine lines and acne scars. Sure, I sound like I'm doing an infomercial, but I'm serious--the results are quite phenomenal. KS

Jane Cowan at Purusha, Discounts for students and musicians, 2637 NE MLK, 282-2155

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