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This Week on Television

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THURSDAY, JUNE 7

8:00 CBS PIRATE MASTER

If you haven't checked out this hilariously bad rip-off of Survivor, do so immediately! It's a butt-cringing hoot!

8:30 ABC FAST CARS & SUPERSTARS

Debut! Like Dancing with the Stars, except the celebs crash and catch on fire.

FRIDAY, JUNE 8

9:00 FOX STANDOFF

Return! Like hostage negotiations? Then you might like this snappy show starring Office Space's Ron Livingston.

SATURDAY, JUNE 9

9:00 BBCA HEX

It's more sexy witchery, when an evil demon tries to conjure up some sweet booty!

10:00 A&E STAR WARS: EMPIRE OF DREAMS

An interesting documentary on the cultural impact of Star Wars, featuring talking heads such as... Stephen Colbert and Newt Gingrich?

SUNDAY, JUNE 10

9:00 HBO THE SOPRANOS

Series finale! What goes around comes around, as the series ends in Tony's psychiatrist's office. Diagnosis? Still a sociopath!

MONDAY, JUNE 11

9:00 HBO BIG LOVE

Season premiere! More adventures with Utah's favorite sexy polygamists!

9:00 FOX HELL'S KITCHEN

When a contestant begins crying from the pressure, Chef Ramsay provides comfort by calling him a "fat, blubbering, baby donkey."

TUESDAY, JUNE 12

8:00 NBC AMERICA'S GOT TALENT

Sharon Osbourne, The Hoff, and that limey guy endure more painful auditions.

10:30 OXY FIGHT GIRLS

Debut! Two gals start training to be Muay Thai champions. Their first class: Slamming Knees into the Genitals 101.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 13

10:00 BRAVO TOP CHEF

Season premiere! The kinder, gentler version of Hell's Kitchen returns, with cooks who can actually cook!

10:00 FX RESCUE ME

Season premiere! New York's most dysfunctional firefighters return for more illicit sex, violence, and pill popping. Yay!

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