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This Week on TV

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Thursday, December 26

8:00

NBC FRIENDS

Chandler gets mad when Monica buys expensive boots more tanned and leathery than she is.

9:00

NBC WILL & GRACE

Jack is touched beyond belief when he receives a brand new bottle of lube and a tiger-striped thong.

Friday, December 27

8:00

UPN M*A*S*H 30TH ANNIVERSARY SPECIAL

Hawkeye and B.J. "Blowjob" Hunicutt reflect on how much their 30-year-old show sucked.

9:00

A&E AN OFFICER AND A GENTLEMAN--Movie

(1982) Richard "Mayonnaise" Gere uses his Navy uniform to bone Debra Winger.

Saturday, December 28

9:00

E! STAR DATES

Saved by the Bell heartthrob Dustin "Screech" Diamond goes out on two blind dates. Oh, you lucky, lucky girls!

10:00

VH1 MADONNA: TRUTH OR DARE--Movie

(1991) This documentary chronicles the pinnacle of Madonna's career as she sings, dances, and mothers a bunch of snippy gay guys.

Sunday, December 29

8:00

ABC THE SOUND OF MUSIC--Movie

(1965) Julie Andrew uses music to trick a bunch of dirty, stinking Aryan Nazi rat bastards.

10:30

MTV THE OSBOURNES

Kelly brings home her skanky new boyfriend to meet the family.

Monday, December 30

9:00

VH1 FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF--Movie

(1986) Matthew Broderick plays a budding megalomaniac who uses his friends to advance his own selfish causes.

Tuesday, December 31

10:00

ABC DICK CLARK'S NEW YEAR'S ROCKIN' EVE

Aging android Dick Clark rings in the New Year in NY's Times Square.

10:30

MTV NEW YEAR'S EVE PAJAMA PARTY

Aging android Carson Daley rings in the New Year in pajamas.

Wednesday, January 1

9:00 am

CBS TOURNAMENT OF ROSES PARADE

Oh, for the love of God, can you please BE QUIET?!? My fawking head is KILLING ME!!!

9:00

TNN PLATOON--Movie

(1986) Oliver Stone's nod to the 'Nam, starring Charlie Sheen and Willem Dafoe.

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