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University of Phoenix

(On the Internet Somewhere)

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RISING FROM the ashes of your hopes and dreams, it's the University of Phoenix. Located in a particularly arid corner of the internet, UOPX is the largest for-profit university in the country. If you're interested in getting a degree in business from a school that clearly understands how to make money, or just want to go to class in your underwear, look no further than Phoenix.

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Key Information

Location: Mostly online, plus a physical location in Portland near the Ikea. According to the website, this campus offers "the resources you need to meet your educational goals" such as "classrooms" and "complimentary coffee and snacks."

Accreditation: The University of Phoenix is pretty much a mostly accredited university. The website also points out that accreditation isn't really a big deal.

Cost: A BA costs about a third of what it would at a private school—which is a great deal since it's at least a third of the education you'd get.

Requirements: Applicants must have finished high school (or equivalent) and "completed all required forms." So they're pretty selective.

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Students

Just like the city of Phoenix, the university caters to working adults who hoped they'd be further in life by now. Due to the online component of the classes, it's hard to say exactly what the students are like—but I can tell from examining the UOPX website that all of their students look like they're in stock photos.

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Faculty

The faculty at U of Phoenix is unrivaled. I've heard especially great things about @teachyoustuff28431. Regardless of your major, professors will be happy to meet you in person during their office hours, but since almost all professors are "working professionals," the office in question will be the one they're temping at to make ends meet.

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Campus Life

While you will lose out on some quintessential college activities like keggers, the online element of a Phoenix education does allow you many more opportunities to drink a keg WHILE you're in class. Other dorm experiences are even better online: It's easy to stay up all night having long conversations on the internet with passionate people who know absolutely nothing. If you're interested in Greek life, you're pretty much out of luck. I recommend spending some time on Reddit, which is the frattiest part of the internet.

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Alumni

With a graduation rate of nearly 16 percent, you know there will be lots of Phoenixes out there to help connect you with jobs. Shaq graduated from UOPX, so look for him at reunions and be sure to ask for a letter of recommendation if you ever want to play in the NBA, become a talented rapper, or star in a hit movie.

Picking a university to attend can be a difficult process, which is what makes the University of Phoenix so great. You can attend classes while sitting on the lawn at Reed or while taking the Sky Van up to OHSU. No matter where you are, you'll always have that warm fuzzy feeling from giving your tuition money to a huge corporation that generates $4 billion in revenue and will distribute it to its investors instead of spending it on silly brick buildings or student services.

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