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One Day at a Time

The Week in Review

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MONDAY, MAY 26

Hot on the trail of the latest in Hollywood Gossip, One Day at a Time returns with this latest tip concerning that monobrowed loverboy, Colin Farrell! Yes, the star of Phone Booth--whose mere name can cause automatic moistness betwixt the legs of even the most chaste tabloid columnist--was seen cavorting around the East Village this week with current costar Robin Wright Penn, according to the New York Post. Taking a break from shooting their upcoming flick A Home at the End of the World, the two were seen, along with director Michael Cunningham, taking in the sights at Farrell's fave nudie strip joint, Scores. After receiving numerous grindy lap-dances, Farrell was said to be showing the effects of several strawberry Kamikazes and had his arm around Mrs. Sean Penn for most of the night. The threesome was last seen dogpiling into a cab at 4 am, whereafter we can only assume Robin rushed home to her hubby and a fresh dry pair of underpants. MEANWHILE! As plagiarized last week in One Day, indie director Vincent Gallo made a public apology for his stinker The Brown Bunny, which was soundly booed at the Cannes Film Fest. This week Bunny co-star Chloe Sevigny stepped up to defend the director, and her role in the film which includes an incredible ten-minute scene in which she performs fellatio on Gallo. In defense of her work Chloe noted, "Mmmf wuhh alwaa cuhmideb tuh duh pojet, am hab fate im hib afekfek." (Sidebar: This was an attempt at an oral sex joke, and was in no way intended to slight the speaking patterns of Mushmouth from Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids.) MEANWHILE! Poor little rich girl Britney Spears is selling her Hollywood mansion to also recently jilted Brittany Murphy, because of mopey memories of Justin Timberlake. The property was intended to be shared by the two, but since the split Brit has been haunted by memories of their ill-fated love as well as those of Limp Bizkit's Fred Durst allegedly porking her on the couch. Honey, if we were you? We wouldn't sell the house--we'd burn it to the ground and salt the earth where it stood.

TUESDAY, MAY 27

We know it was almost a month ago, but remember Private Jessica Lynch? The 19-year-old Army clerk who was captured by Iraqis when her company took a wrong turn, and had to be heroically rescued from a hospital viciously guarded by the Fedayeen? Well, though it may be a grave disappointment to Dixie Chick-haters, but it seems a lot of that rescue was faked. According to a report from the BBC, while the military claimed they came under fire from inside and outside the hospital while attempting the rescue, witnesses on the scene say the Fedayeen had already left--at least 24 hours earlier. Dr. Anmar Uday, who worked at the hospital said the rescue was being filmed like a Hollywood spectacle, with soldiers firing blanks, and setting off non-lethal explosions. And yes, it gets worse. According to the story, two days before the rescue, hospital workers actually tried to return Lynch to the American checkpoint, but the ambulance was fired on by U.S. soldiers and forced to turn back. A Pentagon spokesman refused to comment on the discrepancies between the two stories, nor would he hand over a copy of the unedited footage documenting the rescue. Unfortunately, unless it's starring Josh Hartnett, most Americans aren't interested in seeing it anyway.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 28

And speaking of bullshit, the current master of prefabricated lies, Jayson Blair (formerly of The New York Times) has been busted again for fibbing his way into a drug rehab clinic while hiding from the fallout of his very public firing. The New York Post reports that after NYT gave him the heave-ho, Blair checked into the Silver Hill clinic--a $10,000-a-week drug rehab facility that has played host to Mariah Carey and Nick Nolte-- where he allegedly spent much of his time gabbing away on pay phones and making book deals. Spies claim he seemed "very happy he didn't seem to belong there." The source also claims that in one group session, Blair recounted a harrowing incident involving 9/11. "He read this story about how he was sitting on the Williamsburg Bridge with his girlfriend and they were covered in ash," the source remembered. "He said he saw something he thought was a pocketbook, but when he picked it up it turned out to be a woman's scalp. It was very moving, but knowing him, who knows if it was even true?" Hmm good question. Our guess is the only scalp he's ever handled was his own--after it was handed to him by his bosses at the Times.

THURSDAY, MAY 29

Could it be? A victory for the Bush Administration? After months of being unable to locate any Weapons of Mass Destruction™, a cache of 100 vials of anthrax and other dangerous bacteria has been found. Whoops hold on. There is one teeny-tiny problem unfortunately, the WMD's were not discovered in Iraq, but in fact were unearthed just 50 miles away from Washington, D.C., in the Maryland countryside. According to The Guardian, the leftovers are "apparently remnants of an abandoned germ warfare program" that took place at nearby Fort Detrick. Unfortunately, we may never know for sure because, like the evil kingdom of Iraq, the Pentagon is unable to show any documentation regarding the disposal of these chemical agents. Now waitasecond if this is true, then we have to give Washington, D.C. to Iraq right?

FRIDAY, MAY 30

Now that men have The Jimmy Kimmel Show, the TV people have decided to create a show for another small-brained animal--cats. Meow TV, developed by the Meow Mix Co., debuted today on the Oxygen Network (the show is aimed, apparently, primarily at female cats). According to Meow Mix, the half-hour program was developed after research showed that one-third of cats enjoy watching television. The new show features cat yoga, cat haiku, and sporadic video of squirrels and fish. Human viewers also can send in birthday greetings to their cats and videos of their cats doing "something cool." The first episode features a cat that eats with chopsticks and a cat surfing in the ocean. The second episode will feature a white cat and a black cat solving crimes in L.A.

SATURDAY, MAY 31

There IS such as thing as justice. According to the Associated Press a judge has barred the Procter & Gamble Co. from claiming that its new tampon product is superior to a rival Playtex Products Inc. tampon, forcing the giant consumer products company to recall its advertising and display campaign. Playtex had accused P&G of falsely claiming that its product, Tampax Pearl, provided superior comfort, protection and absorbency over the Playtex Gentle Glide tampon, which, it turns out, is a BALD FACED LIE. After EXTENSIVE hands-on research, the judge blocked P&G from using words such as "superior," "better" or "more" in comparisons of its product to the Playtex tampon. He ordered P&G to stop making false claims in its television and print advertising. Playtex controls about 30 percent of the tampon market, while P&G has about 40 percent. Hippie chicks just use socks.

SUNDAY, JUNE 1

Whoops! It turns out that President Bush forgot about one tiny group in his $350 billion tax-cut package--poor people! They are SO hard to remember. The funny thing is that the tax-cut package originally had child tax credits for low-income families, but those were stripped out at the last minute to make room for more kickbacks for the rich. We understand. There's only so much room, right? Under the increased tax credit, which ranges from $600 to $1,000, most families this summer will receive a $400 check in the mail for each child. The Mormons will be RICH! But not families with annual incomes between $10,500 and $26,000--which rules out anyone who works at this newspaper. Republicans have touted the landmark tax package as much-needed relief for working families. Blanche Lincoln, a Democratic senator from Arkansas, which is just crawling with po-folk, is planning on introducing legislation that might restore some benefits to her constituents. She's also hoping to get the administration to pony up the missing Nixon tapes and admit they faked the whole Jessica Lynch thing.

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