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WOMEN IN THE GOP

Or... Face It! Republican Chicks are Hot!

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Who was the sexiest actress on The West Wing? Why, Emily Procter, who played pert little Associate White House Counsel Ainsley Hayes.

She was, of course, a Republican. A cerebral, politely sassy girl-woman who wore smart suits and stood her ground until she got sick of being kicked around by President Sheen and his left-wing boot-lickers. Then, like any sensible Republican, she traded up--defecting to C.S.I.: Miami, which is not, coincidentally, plummeting in the ratings.

It must be said: Republicans have the best-looking girls. Where do they come from, all those long, sleek blondes with their leonine hair and their confident ways and their strident voices and their skeletal bodies?

The next time you crawl out of bed and fumble for those black-rimmed Poindexter glasses, take a good, long look at that bisexual "artist" lying beside you, with her kaleidoscopic hair and Doc Marten codpiece.

Dear God, it's like having sex with The Joker.

And contrary to popular myth, it's Republican women who have a sense of humor. When a guest at a Republican dinner party blames all of our social problems on the uterus, everyone enjoys a good laugh--especially the women.

Because they know it's true? No--because they can take a punch.

And ladies: While altogether too many Republican men look like Sean Hannity after a cheeseburger binge, they keep their shirts smooth as silk and dry as paper, their shoes unscuffed and their pants carefully pleated. They'll let you stay at home for the rest of your life and hold the door open for you on the way out of the adoption agency. They want to take care of you.

Seriously. What long-term biological imperative does that "winkingly" alcoholic guitarist fulfill?

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