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Your Guide to Humping

The HUMP! 2010 Amateur Porn Festival: A Primer

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IT WAS THE ASS HOOK heard all 'round the town when the HUMP! amateur porn festival came to Portland for the first time last year.

Now in its sixth iteration, HUMP! was strictly Seattle-only until the Mercury decided to tag team it with our partners up north at The Stranger, turning it into a Northwest affair. Unsurprisingly, Portland took to HUMP! like ducks to water—this year our town more than doubled its submissions of homemade dirty movies, giving the old hats in Seattle a run for their money.

In case you missed it: HUMP! is an accessible way to dabble in the thrill of porn making without actually participating in the industry. After all of the screenings, the films are destroyed onstage, and the ban on cell phone cameras is very strictly enforced—as in, try it and be prepared to have your smart phone crushed before your eyes. So far, we've got a perfect record, and have yet to hear of a single security breach, so that all the stars can go back to their day jobs without fear of discovery.

Like any film festival, competition is fierce. When the HUMP! jury convenes to screen submissions, we have certain criteria. Prioritized are films we can tell were made just for HUMP! because they've let us know by using certain props. This year films containing shots of the Hawthorne Bridge, Mary's Club T-shirts, or teabags/teabagging/teabaggers were code for "made in Portland, and just for HUMP!" Also, we're not kidding when we say "porn." While animation and puppetry are welcome additions to the mix, our hats go off first to the ordinary folks who have the balls to actually fuck on film. That's a hell of a lot more vulnerable than referring to sex without any actual sex (clever though it may be).

Beyond that, everything is welcome: straight sex, gay sex, transgendered sex, roleplaying, BDSM, etc. Just leave kids, animals, and feces out of it and whatever floats people's boats can show up onscreen at HUMP! And really, it's that diversity that makes HUMP! unique. How often will you have the opportunity to sit in a sold-out theater of sexually diverse individuals, watching a potpourri of sexual behavior? It's an inclusive, sex-positive event, and a downright educational one.

Just as importantly, HUMP! is fucking fun. You'll laugh, you might scream, you'll definitely gasp, and who knows, maybe you'll take home a new fantasy or two as well. Then, take your reactions to the polls: all audiences will vote for their favorites in the following categories: Best Humor, Best Sex, Best Kink, and Best in Show. Winners will walk away with $1,000 each, with $2,500 going to Best in Show—so vote like you mean it!

As of press time, tickets are still available for the Friday midnight screening in Portland only—get your tickets now before they're all gone! In the meantime here's a brief teaser of some of the films you'll see this year:

THSEX

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Sex in surround sound, this film will test the theater's sound system's stamina.

FISTFUL OF LOVE

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Portland is the de facto lesbian capital of the country, and possibly the world. Two of the bicycling community's hottest toughies make sweet.

ALIEN TV

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A stripper gets busy backstage in this pool table-set threesome. (Oh... well, foursome if you count the purple alien blowup doll.)

THE COFFEE BOY

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Riffing on both stereotypes of mainstream porn scenarios and Portland's favorite caffeine source, this film about a coffee delivery boy is literally full of beans.

AD MAN

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Ad men lead double lives on their way to the top (and bottom) of this spoof of your favorite show: Mad Men.

THE DO'S AND DON'TS OF TENS UNIT PLAY

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A cleverly filmed documentary of one couple's first foray into e-stim play that manages to be sexy while encouraging you to use your imagination.

DRAINED BALLS

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What other Portland stereotypes have we yet to mention? Oh, that's right: pinball. A young lady's afternoon beer binge gets interrupted in a sexy way when the pinball repairman goes to work on her game.

THE HOTEL URANUS

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This film might or might not technically violate the "no feces" rule—hard to say when everything is in claymation.

PLAYING WITH FIRE

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And now for something artsy: an expert shows us the beauty of flame on (un-burnt, professionally done, don't try this at home) flesh.

DINNER TIME

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There's something about retro housewife sexual fantasies that never quite gets old.

HI I'M PON

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A lovely series of still images edited together to tell a tale of love, lust, and revenge sex in a bitchin' Seattle apartment.

EMOTIONAL CONTENT

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It's hard to tell what the star of this solo performance wants, or who exactly he needs—but as long as he's writhing naked onscreen we'll let him cry on our shoulder.

ATTACK OF THE TRIPLE D'S

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A grindhouse short featuring the fiercest big beauties of the festival.

TIT CRUCIFIXION

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HUMP! wouldn't be HUMP! without one or two inclusions that might make you watch between your fingers, and this tale of a jolly green giant is unlike any you've seen before. Advance apologies to all the penis owners in the building.

AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMP! VIDEOS

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Not the kind of ball-busting blooper reel America's used to.

THE NUN AND THE BUM

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Catholic charity, of sorts. This is the other film that will make you squirm. Also, we're all going to hell.

HOW TO BAKE FROSTED MUFFINS

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A straight couple of hardbodies gives you a baking lesson. If you think you know what goes into the frosting, that's because you probably do.

IT GETS BETTER

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A noble addition to the It Gets Better Project, one handsome young buck sends his message to picked-on homos the world over: It gets much, much, much better.

TWINCEST

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Nothing like a good song 'n' dance number about twin sibling incest to cleanse the palate!

HUMP! takes place Friday and Saturday at Cinema 21, 616 NW 21st, at 7 pm, 9:30 pm, and midnight (tickets only available for Friday's midnight screening at press time!), $15, 21+, portlandmercury.com/hump

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